Thursday, November 11, 2010

Giving Christianity A Try...

I don't know if you caught this over at skippy's place last week, but I've decided to consider myself a Christian now, and to act accordingly. An explanation from me is in order, since I've declared that I'm finished with skippy, and I've declared myself an agnostic time and time again.

We'll start with me blogging for skippy. Back in August, I basically lost my shit over at his place, over two things: one, recurring and increasingly incendiary disagreements with his readership over the way Barack and Obama and the Democrats were doing things, and two, the fact that I'd asked skippy to revoke my blogging privileges, but he wouldn't do so. It got to the point where I just intentionally posted some hostile remarks about skippy on his main page in an effort to force him to drop me -- and when he wouldn't do that, I posted some even more hostile remarks. When that failed to get any response from him at all, I proceeded to delete several dozen posts I'd written for him, stopping only when I got tired of the ponderous process of deleting posts Blogger has.

Eventually, I started posting for skippy again, and he thanked me for that. Later on, feeling lower than a snake's asshole, I sent skippy an e-mail saying that I was a real prick to him this year for no reason, and that I was very sorry for acting that way toward him. There is a really ugly side to me that I readily acknowledge, but at the same time, I have long tried to keep others from seeing. And the harder I try to hide it, the uglier it looks when it finally breaks loose from my grasp. That's what happened back in August. Skippy had nothing to do with it, he was just on the receiving end of my hostility.

Then there's me declaring myself a Christian. What I said and came to regret saying over at skippy's place had a part in that, but the truth is, this has been a long time coming. I had this to say about embracing Christianity over at my Fur Affinity page:

...I do not consider myself saved, whatever that's supposed to mean. What I've done is adopt a particular framework that I think will help me live a better, fuller life than the one I'm currently living. I think of Jesus as a guide, not a savior -- I've said and done too many cruel things to even begin to imagine myself as being saved, and I have to live with all of them. Maybe I haven't acted that way here at FA, but over the course of my life, yes, I have. And I don't want to be like that anymore.

I don't know, something about turning 40 made a change in me. I started thinking about a lot of the hateful things I've said and done to people over the years, and it just made me feel horrible inside. And frankly, I deserve to feel that way. All I want is to stop saying and doing those hateful things.

That's all me becoming a Christian is about. I'm not going to start handing out religious tracts to people on the street or anything. I just want to live a better, happier life -- or, failing that, I want to not impede anyone else's pursuit of their own better, happier life...

This isn't about salvation. This is about, well, doing unto others as I would want done unto myself -- which is precisely the way skippy treated me, even after I treated him like garbage. It's a testament to skippy's character that he still lets me post for him, and a condemnation of my own character.

This embrace of Christianity didn't happen overnight. It started years ago, when I started reading books by people like Bruce Bawer, Karen Armstrong, Chris Hedges, and John Shelby Spong. Before that, I'd read books by skeptics and atheists that had convinced me Christianity was dead in the water through the inaccuracies and contradictions in the Bible that they'd listed. I have not lost sight of any of those. It was the insights of Bawer, Armstrong, et cetera that gradually made me realize that yes, the Bible is riddled with errors, but I was missing the larger point: we're all human, and no matter which religion we turn to, we all want to know who we are, why we're here, and where we're going. I have chosen Christianity as a framework in this regard, mostly because it is the framework that deals with these question that I am most familiar with -- if that framework had been, say, Buddhism, I would have started calling myself a Buddhist.

I didn't accept Jesus as my savior, I chose him as my guide. I have read the New Testament, and after several years of pondering all things spiritual, moral, ethical, and humane, I think I would do quite well in taking heed of many of the things attributed to him there. That's all.

Make no mistake, I'm still a perverted bastard, and always will be -- I bought a couple sex toys recently, and I'm rather annoyed over not knowing why I don't have them yet. I know I'm a sinner, and I won't try to hide it. What I want to do is not sin against, or damage, anyone else -- that's what makes my heart and my spirit hurt, not what Lucifer and I mutually agree to do together.

Do unto others as you would want done unto you. It's really that simple.

1 comment:

  1. So you decided to be nice to other people and that means you're a Christian? Try this link:

    Maybe you're not Christian; maybe now you're Chinese.


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