Friday, November 12, 2010

To Love Is Human...

I got off the bus at Three Chopt and Patterson around 9:30 PM, on my way home from the print shop. I decided to drop in on Martin's supermarket at the Village, the store that used to be a Ukrop's outlet, which is right there at that intersection. Some new potatoes, some Spanish rice, and some burger patties were among the items I thought I'd take to work tomorrow. I've been spending so much time at work this year that I figured I'd take my little George Foreman grill to work a few weeks ago, and started cooking my own meals there. Not only is that what I'm doing, my slowly deteriorating health is deteriorating even slower because of this. I'm still working harder than I should be, and it' still gonna kill me eventually if I don't put a permanent stop to it. But there is much to be said about striving for a well-balanced diet on your own terms.

Anyway, I'm digressing. I shopped at Martin's and then started the forty-five-minute walk to my apartment. This long-assed walk was a result of something I did, long story short. The city buses do run to within a one-minute walk to where I live, but that ends around 7 PM, and these days, that's the earliest I get off of work. I start work around 11 AM now, and work until whenever, based on what my workload is. Suffice to say, fuck it, I'll walk. And I don't mind -- it's rather therapeutic. I manage to clear a lot of awful garbage out of my head between start and finish on most weeknights.

But not tonight.

I was walking home, clearing my head, nothing unusual. As I've previously noted, I'm calling myself a Christian now. I was thinking about that as I was walking. Some might say that means I'm walking with Jesus now. I disagree -- in my mind, I'm walking toward Jesus now, or I hope I am. And that means greatly readjusting the contours of my own thinking.

And as I was walking down the road, in the relatively unlit dark, a truck coming my way not only slowed down, it veered uncomfortably close to where I was. First thing I thought: someone wants to do something to me.

Reflexively, I actually stepped into the road, looked in the direction of the driver (I couldn't see anyone, since it was dark outside), and barked, "What the fuck are YOU lookin' at?!"

I don't know if the driver even noticed that, but he or she did veer back toward the yellow lines, pick up speed, and drive off as I stood there glaring at their receding tail lights.

Then, I started loathing myself for reacting that way.

That, folks, is the kind of change that is happening to me these days. That's what's up with me.

I hate getting mad, even when I can't help it. It jars my mind, it hurts my heart, and it cripples my spirit. And the kicker is, I know this will never end. I just have to deal with it all as it comes.

This is what I call the hopeless human condition. Or as I now call it: to love is human. No matter what. I do not love whoever gave me that panic attack tonight. But I have no idea what that was all about to them. I have to let it go. I have to forgive.

And I've started applying that to many facets of my life. There's something about forgiveness that makes you wiser, if not stronger. It empowers you in some rather strange ways. It's almost counter-intuitive. But it's definitely real and potent.

Me, I just want to be happier, healthier, kinder, and stronger than I am. And every little bit I achieve toward those ends lifts my mind, my heart, and my spirit that much more. It's a wonderful feeling, I have to tell you. And I can't help wondering why I didn't figure this out sooner...

1 comment:

This is a First Amendment zone, but I do use word verification now. If you don't like that, well, this is also a Fifth Amendment zone. Take your pick...